The dynamics of monogamous relationships are complex. There are more failed relationships than are ones that work, however the ones that fail often are precisely the catalyst that drives individuals to the most successful ones. In any case when a relationship is not working it is important to talk about the reasons behind it to gain insight from mistakes made in the past and hopefully develop stronger relationships in the future.
The TV show “How You Met Your Mother was hugely popular over the years, and for many reasons, but one specific collection of buzzwords it introduced to the language of relationship in popular culture was the idea that many tense relationships are characterized by an element of a “reacher” or a “settler.” It is based on the notion that in many monogamous relationships –and not every one that one “reaches” for someone who they consider to be in a higher range, while another “settles” for someone they consider to be beneath them.
However, this isn’t the case for all monogamous relationships: a happy, healthy couple will view one another as equals, and not as superior or worse. However, sometimes, to repair a relationship that isn’t working it’s helpful to determine the relationship from a different perspective. If you think about it in terms of the reacher/settler paradigm If you think that your partner is more superior than you or that you’re superior then your spouse, what could you do to make it feel more equitable? This is the real challenge that’s worth working through. Before you can figure that out we need to determine if you an Reacher Or the Settler?